So, I have tried making videos of myself talking to the camera as a form of a diary and at first it seemed to be okay but really it just didn’t look right. I am a perfectionist type of person, so I stopped making videos and started back to physically writing in my diary book. While that was good to do my poor hand hurt so bad from writing I could only get out a couple pages at a time. I kept trying to make it work for a few days, but I have finally given up for now on the physical writing in a journal.
Then I remembered I had this page I created a few years ago to help me through some issues back then and thought why not just type my thoughts instead. One, I am a fast typer and two my hands have no pain when I type for long period of time. This gives me the opportunity to really get all my thoughts out at once and maybe just maybe that will start to help me improve my mental status and start to really feel better.
So, if you decide to read this then you may not always find it easy to follow my words because I will just type how I think, and it may not always be grammatically correct. This is more for me than anyone else but if anything, I say at all can help you in your own life then that is just a bonus for me.
I may have to re-read my previous blog posts to remember what I have talked about regarding my life. That is one of the worst side effects of having some mental illnesses like I do is the issues with memory. I can watch an entire tv series and a year later watch the series and it is as if I never seen it before. Sure, things start to come back to me but most of the time it’s like all new to me. That is a side effect I wish will go away one day because not remembering things has been an awful thing for me. I feel like a bad person when I must have my husband repeat things to me many times because I just cannot remember things that he tells me. I try to remind him it has nothing to do with him and I always feel bad because I don’t want him to think it isn’t because I don’t pay attention because I really do pay attention to everything he says it’s just my memory isn’t retaining much these days.
I am seeing a new provider an LCSW also known as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and after a few appointments I think it will be a good thing. It has taken me two different providers to finally find someone who hears me. She listens and doesn’t make me feel judged in any way. I also think her being within 10 years of my age makes a difference. The other providers I have seen before were all in their 50s and I think them being older women I took things they said differently than someone closer to my age.
I think that is because of how close in age they were to my mom’s age and since we do not have the best relationship, I relayed that to my therapeutic relationships. But I am happy that I found someone who I haven’t felt uncomfortable in anyway, haven’t felt judged yet, haven’t felt pushed to do things.
I think I will leave it there for now, so this doesn’t drag on for forever. I will try to make entries as much as possible so if this at all is helpful or you are just interested in hearing someone’s story then subscribe and keep checking back for more.
Much love,
Sam
The Sam Way 